Guilt and Low Self Esteem - How to Understand and Overcome these Issues

Guilt is an emotion that few of us like to feel or even admit that we carry – but it is the single most damaging emotion that we have. It destroys our relationships and our success as well as robbing us of our happiness in life. We must understand and let go of our guilt if we are to reach our full potential in life.

As a baby or infant we are totally dependent on our parents for our needs - sustenance, security and very importantly, love. If we have any sense that these needs are not met, perhaps due to our parents emotional, health or own relationship problems, then we will feel that something is lacking. We can summarise this as the amount of bonding we experience in our early formative years - the lower the quality of bonding in our original family, the more likely we are to believe that love is scarce and even more critically that we lack love. The heartbreak and traumas around unmet needs in our original families can cause us to draw two very damaging conclusions:

1) My parents failed me

It is fairly easy to see that if our needs have not been met, we will feel let down. We end up feeling resentful towards our parents and may then blame them for their shortcomings and our problems in life.

2) I failed my parents

This second conclusion is much more surprising and destructive because it is the source of huge amounts of guilt. The amount that we feel we have been let down in our relationship with our parents is balanced by the amount we believe we have failed them. This is one of the most important things we can ever learn about relationships. Even as children we take on a great responsibility for the quality of our relationships, particularly with our parents and siblings. If anything is going wrong in the family we will tend to blame ourselves.

Both these conclusions, usually held subconsciously create guilt and this can become accentuated later in life as we blame ourselves for letting other people down, say in romantic relationships or work situations. Not only do we fell guilty for not being good enough, but we also take on all our family's emotional pain and guilt that they have not been able to deal with in their lives. You can see that guilt comes from a horrible tangle of misunderstanding about relationships!

The famous psychoanalyst Freud provided us with another concept - Oedipal guilt. Based on the Greek myth of Oedipus, where a son killed his father, and married his mother. Although such relationships are difficult to accept, given their societal taboos, most people are familiar with cases where a child is very closely attached to the parent of the opposite sex. When this happens the other parent feels excluded and that they have lost the love of their partner. This sets up a competitive triangle in which all parties have deep, suppressed guilt. This is felt strongly (for instance) where a son is guilty for having stolen his father from his mother. The same thing can happen between fathers and daughters. Many psychologists believe that the experience of being part of a triangle as children is replayed in our adult relationships in the form of affairs.

With such a potentially huge amount of guilt, it is not surprising that we move out into our world with low self-esteem - feeling we have been bad and don't deserve to receive life's riches - particularly love. These are very unpleasant sensations so we typically behave in ways that deny them and later we may hide them entirely from our conscious awareness. Unfortunately the low self-worth and guilt is still present in our unconscious memory and can easily sabotage our lives.

Although we made these choices about our self-worth many years ago, guilt acts as a backdrop to our adult lives. Guilt really is a terrible trap and one that most people are unaware they have. It manifests itself through a variety of thoughts, attitudes and negative behaviours that all try to compensate for the guilty feelings inside - essentially smokescreens to hide our guilt from the people around us and even ourselves. You will know you have layers of guilt, if your life is not full of success, loving relationships and a sense of peace and fulfilment.

The key to healing guilt and low self-esteem is to understand what was happening in your original family, accept that you made mistaken choices about your self-worth and guilt. To do this, try to accept that your parents were doing their very best for you given their own circumstances. They loved you dearly but there may have been times when they struggled to express this adequately or when life's challenges made things difficult for them. Above all you must find a way of forgiving yourself and the people around you for what happened all those years ago. As you forgive and rediscover your innocence you will learn to love yourself - then your life will take great leaps forward!

Change Your Thoughts - Change Your Chemistry!

The Stoic Lucius Seneca once wrote: "It is part of the cure to want to be cured."

This simple observation reflects our current understanding of the relationship between mind and body. There is a close correlation between physical actions and mental states. Certain actions can impact our mental attitudes and our mental attitudes influence our physical being because the mind and body constantly talk to one another. The brain sends all that it thinks and perceives to the rest of the body.

An extreme example of this interconnection can be seen in the effects of voodoo. In the 1940s, Harvard physiologist Walter Cannon spent several years collecting examples of "voodoo death" -- case histories of men and women who died as a result of being the recipient of a curse, an alleged supernatural visitation or the breaking of some tribal or cultural taboo. Cannon concluded that humans could die from "the fatal power of the imagination working through unmitigated terror." Another researcher, Dr. J.C. Barker, in Scared to Death -- a collection of case histories of individuals who had willed themselves or others to death -- concluded that voodoo-like death results "purely from extreme fear and exhaustion...essentially a psychosomatic phenomenon."

How is it possible for thoughts to impact the body so drastically?

It is possible because the central nervous system and the body's immune system are hard-wired together. In 1981 neurobiologist David Felten and a team of researchers at the Indiana University School of Medicine found the first concrete example of the mind/body connection -- a bridge between the body's immune system and the central nervous system that is under control of the brain. While tracing nerves to bone marrow, lymph nodes and the spleen, Felten's team discovered a network of nerves leading to blood vessels as well as to cells of the immune system. They found that nerves in the thymus and spleen terminated near clusters of lymphocytes and mast cells, which help control immune function. In other words, the brain absolutely communicates with immune-system cells.

This establishes a close correlation between a person's mental state and physical reactions. You can generate an emotion simply by going through the appropriate muscle movements. For example, if you clench your fist and scowl, you will begin to feel anger. Force yourself to laugh and you will begin to feel good. The specific muscle action is an integral part of the corresponding emotion. You cannot hold your features in the expression of one emotion and call up the feeling of a different emotion at the same time. It is impossible to do.

Paul Ekman, Professor Emeritus at the University of California at San Francisco, is a pioneer in the study of emotions and facial expressions. His research on more than 200 kinds of smiles demonstrated that you could actually alter your emotional state and immune system by smiling or frowning. When Ekman's research subjects were trained to control their facial muscles and voluntarily form smiles, their physiological processes altered immediately and their hormones changed drastically.

So when you smile, you alter your blood chemistry. The natural opiates in your system and your neuropeptides change. These chemicals are located not only in your brain but in your stomach and intestines.

What does this have to do with hypnosis?

Hypnosis is the most powerful tool we possess for changing thoughts and attitudes. It is a trance state characterized by relaxation, extreme suggestibility and hyper-attentiveness. The subject is fully conscious, but chooses to focus internally while ignoring external stimuli.

Hypnosis allows one to access the subconscious mind directly. In this relaxed, hyper-attentive state, the subject experiences the hypnotist's suggestions as if they were real. If told that his or her tongue has swollen to double its normal size, the subject will have difficulty talking. If told that his/her hands are glued together, the subject cannot pull them apart. By the same token, the subject is receptive to suggestions that are designed to change destructive thought patterns and habits such as anxiety, depression, stress, smoking and eating disorders.

A potent example of hypnosis' power to affect physiology through the brain connection is its medical use. Since all pain is transmitted through the brain, the pain associated with surgery or medical conditions responds well to hypnosis. Hypnosis is an effective anesthesia for surgeries, dental procedures, childbirth and migraines. It also helps patients to manage nausea and symptoms from chemotherapy by enhancing control over their body responses.

The mind/body connection is the key to why hypnosis can be used so successfully to manage our physiology. Hypnosis gives us the power to alter our mental attitudes for the better; this in turn positively impacts our physical being.

In light of this potent interplay between mind and body, we would do well to take seriously the old Cole Porter song: "Accentuate the positive; eliminate the negative; latch on to the affirmative." And enjoy happy body chemistry as your reward!

Be the Center of Attention - Anytime, Anywhere

When you are a socially-skilled person, you will achieve a higher level of greatness only because other people will promote you by telling others what a great person you are to be around or to do business with. Yes, these skills will help you make lots of money.

My friend "Red" was the consummate people-person. He made a small fortune selling used cars - part time! People made an appointment with him just to buy from him and only him! They spread the word to their friends that Red was the go-to guy for a used car.

When you master the following social skills, you will have the trust and all-out support of others just like Red. These will be people you have helped who are eager to help you. All you have to do is ask and they will bend over backwards to get you what you need. This gives you a small army of people who will help you achieve anything your heart desires.

Once you learn the following social skills and apply them, you reach a level self-empowerment never imagined by you. In effect, self-empowerment is making a general overhaul of your life and turning yourself into a happier and more successful person. You just have to know and apply the following 10 skills.

1. Be genuine.

Make sure you go at this with good motives. People can read a phony and you will be stopped before you can even get started because people will tell others to keep away from you.

Be genuinely interested in everyone you meet. Once they perceive that you have selfish intentions, you might as well say goodbye to self-empowerment.

2. Be the greatest listener that you can be.

To earn the love and trust of people, listen to their problems and sympathize with them. Do not just hear them out, listen to them with your heart. Make eye contact and listen intently because every word they speak matters. And, ask questions to draw them out. Resist giving them unsolicited advice. Just listen, ask questions, and listen some more. Soon they will see that you are a person they can confide in.

3. Laugh out loud.

Don't force yourself to laugh at every joke or comment if you do not find it funny. A polite smile is fine in that case but, if it's funny to you, laugh out loud. Find humor in things and don’t be deadly serious about everything. When you display an awesome sense of humor, you will attract others and eventually, build successful relationships.

4. Don't forget yourself.

In the process of fluttering around like a social butterfly, guard against allowing others to walk all over you. If you love and value yourself before anyone else, if you see yourself worthy of affection and respect, people will flock to you and not simply use you. What do I mean by this? It's a fact that some people will see your personality as weak and will not take you seriously. Ignore them and move to others who appreciate you.

5. Be a "good-deed-doer.”

You don't have to give until you are broke. In fact, money is the worst thing you can give. Instead, do little acts of kindness. These matter most and can be as simple as sending someone a surprise "Thinking of you" card or helping someone acquire something they need through one of your friends or contacts. I often use my network of acquaintances to make things happen for others with a simple phone call.

6. Contact your old friends.

Many friendships are destined to end for various reasons beyond our control. But, thanks to technology, you can do something about it. Relive the good old days by flipping through your yearbook and look for the great people whom you want to communicate with again. Adding these old friends to your roster of support peers will surely make you, and them, feel good all over.

If you locate them, don't make direct contact at first. Instead, break the ice by sending a card with your phone number enclosed. Invite them to contact you. Let things take a natural course. They may have reasons for not renewing the friendship.

7. Kill your negative personality.

Are you grouchy, grumpy and generally a doom-and-gloom person? If you are, I'll bet you can count your friends and acquaintances on one hand! Get rid of those traits and habits that have been hampering your growth. No one wants to be around a grouch.

8. Be confident.

This takes courage at first but learn to move around a room of people and purposely introduce yourself to people with that winning smile of yours. Just remember: be confident, not arrogant. Apply #1 and #2 above as you meet and greet new people.

9. Practice control.

When angry, don't snap at anyone. Never throw a tantrum. Stay calm and collected. Be adult enough to take control of the situation. Transform your anger into something more productive. If your anger rises to gigantic proportions easily, people will find it hard to confide in you. In fact, people will avoid you.

10. Keep nurturing your relationships.

Whatever happens in life, your relationships with your family, friends and significant others are so precious that you must not neglect them. Keep them active by going out and having fun with them. Do things together. Happiness will never elude you when the people who matter most to you are close to you.

In the end, self-empowerment means becoming a better and more lovable person. It's a win-win situation - people know they can turn to you for help and comfort and they will be eager to return the favor.

Yours for success in life.

LAW OF ATTRACTION - BREAKING DOWN THE 3-STEP CREATIVE PROCESS

For most - if not all - of us, our path in life requires continual adjustment. There are things we want but don't have. There are things we have but don't want. And there are things we have that would be fine with a little alteration. For some, this process of course correction is natural and flowing. But for many of us, we grow impatient and/or discouraged.

Compounding our discomfort, law of attraction says that we attract into our lives more of what we focus on. When we focus on something we want, we attract more of that thing or condition. If we focus on a condition or thing we don't want - a problem - we attract more of THAT thing or condition.

Unwanted situations will always come up whether we like it or not. The good news is that those things and conditions which are not to our liking are the birth of all creation. How would we ever know what we do want without the contrast of what we do not?

THE 3-STEP PROCESS

As humans in an attraction-based universe, we live in an endless, looping, 3-part creative cycle. A thing or condition we want to be different gives birth to a preference, the new preference then exists in our consciousness where it did not before, and finally we receive the new thing or allow the new condition into our experience.

When we've identified what we don't want which happens constantly (step one), step two begins. We become aware of what we do want. We begin to notice things. If in step one we had the thought, "I want or need more money," we might now begin to notice other people with money or things that cost money. What we now desire exists as a concept in our consciousness, but we don't have it yet in our experience. How we feel about this new desire is our most valuable clue about how we are doing with step three. The better and more optimistic we feel, the better we are doing.

Step three is where the artistry of law of attraction really comes into play. This is where we receive the manifestation of what we've so far only summoned into our consciousness with the first two steps. Doing this takes allowing. By allowing, I mean the releasing of resistance.

RELEASING RESISTANCE

Even though it may not feel like we are resisting what we want, we are. For even in resisting the circumstance that we want to change, that same resistance is at work preventing us from receiving the thing we do want. Resistance is energy. When we focus in a resistant way, that energy is present in all areas for us.

Learning to release resistance can at first be counter-intuitive. We cannot release resistance directly. Attention given to anything, whether our intention is to get rid of the thing or summon it, causes MORE of that thing in our experience. To truly release resistance to a circumstance is a function of allowing the circumstance to exist and putting our focus on how we want things to be instead. However, there is a difference between focusing on how we want something to be and focusing on that it is not that way yet. How we feel about something is our indicator of allowance or resistance. The better it feels, the less resistance (and more allowance) is present.

Albert Einstein suggested that a problem cannot be solved at the same level of thinking at which it was created. Here I equate "problem" with "circumstance". After all, a circumstance we don't want is indeed a problem. If Einstein is correct, we need to think on a new level to change our circumstance. We need to focus our attention on thoughts that cause allowing energy or, at the very least, that don't cause resistance.

RECOGNIZING RESISTANCE

A thought that creates resistance is one in which we say something is one way and it should not be that way. When we reject something in its entirety as wrong or bad, we generally introduce resistance. "I'm having a terrible day," is usually a resistant thought. "Nothing is going the way I want," is another. With this kind of "problem" thinking, we leave ourselves very little room to affect change.

When we can summon the wherewithal to say, "My day isn't all bad," and think, write or talk about those aspects that ARE working, resistance is released. Perhaps what Einstein had in mind with his observation about the level of thinking it takes to solve a problem, is to think on that more subtle, component level. Focusing on those aspects of a circumstance that do work summons more workability.

The steps of noticing what we don't want in our lives and having what we'd prefer show up in our consciousness happen with no effort on our part. Becoming effective within the law of attraction is a function of getting good at step three. The more we can notice resistant thoughts that come up for us, and practice choosing thoughts that release that resistance, the better our results - and our experience - will be.

How to Find True Happiness For Life

Each person has the power to find true happiness. It's a way of how you see situations that happen in life.

For example, you're caught in traffic for hours. As soon as you get the chance to break free, another driver cuts in. A group of life coaches and psychologists explain that if you're happy, you won't get out of the car and scold the other driver, kick his car, and fret that your day is all messed up.

Instead, positive behaviors pump in so you breathe in and out for ten times; you try to understand that the other driver is in a real emergency; you sit back and let the other car cut through; and you just be grateful that you still have a room for stress relief and look forward to more inspiring things to happen in that day.

Ask most people how to find true happiness and what would make them happy, and they would tell you that a promotion, a new car, wining the lottery, or just getting married would give them true happiness.

They are blinded by their belief that real happiness is something that the world provides. In reality, true happiness depends on your outlook in life. It comes from within.

Every person asks how to find true happiness; but you must understand that happiness, like most things, does not happen overnight. The key is to be content with what you have and work out a plan to achieve the things you want. For this to happen, you must have a set of goals. The same goals will help you create out a vision and a meaning to live each day.

Instead of worrying too much, look at the better possibilities of each situation. Have confidence in your ability to handle life's issues.

Never focus on how to be happy just by dreaming about it; for affirmations work better if your actions lead you to your goals. By then you will enjoy what you're doing and understand how to find true happiness.